Sometimes the best laid plans go sideways. All your preparation goes out the window. Whatever it is you were expecting—a new job or promotion, an acceptance letter from your dream college, a clean bill of health, a tearful “Yes!” in response to a marriage proposal—does not materialize. It’s as though the stone path you were confidently walking on turns to sand, then mud, and then nothing. You are falling into an unplanned future.
At other times, when we’re not worrying about the future, we might be deeply worried about the past: Did I make the right decision? What if I had only taken that position? Why did I say that? Even the present can be difficult to cope with if we find ourselves stuck in a reality that we aren’t comfortable with or didn’t ask for. Accepting the past, future, and present for what they are is the subject of a new class from Kinwell’s behavioral health program. Alix Jansma, a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC), will lead a group of patients in an exploration of how to manage feelings of disappointment, regret, and despair.
How to stop time travelling
“When people are distressed, it’s often because they are time traveling — worrying about the future or regretting the past,” said Jansma. “And while we are really good time travelers, we aren’t very good at changing the past or predicting the future. So, we fret. This class session, which is part of our coping skills classes, will teach patients how to stop fretting and start accepting.”
Human beings have a unique habit of planning for the future. We plant crops that won’t be harvested for months or years, plan the education of children not yet born, and stash away money for retirement that’s decades away. We are a planning species. But when our plans go haywire, it can leave us with some fundamental questions: What do I do now? What does it all mean? Why bother? When life gets difficult, we even start challenging reality: Why me? This isn’t fair. It shouldn’t be this way. Breaking free from the distress that comes with fighting against reality requires relinquishing control.
Manage what can be managed
“We do enjoy a lot of control over our lives,” explained Jansma, “but we can’t control everything. What happens in our lives is often dependent on a thousand other factors beyond our control. The weather turns bad. We get a flat tire. We catch a cold. Being able to let go of control where we have none and lean into what we do have control over is essential. It’s resilience 101.”
Understanding what can be managed and letting go of what can’t is the idea behind radical acceptance. This concept originated in the 1990s with the work of University of Washington professor Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. The therapies she researched and developed taught patients how to regulate intense emotions and accept their situation, imperfections and all. This important skill prioritizes the complete (or radical) acceptance of the present, including all the decisions in the past that led to it. When patients no longer hang on to a future that is no longer possible, or a past that is unchangeable, they are open to the opportunities of the present. Radical acceptance is a familiar part of the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
“We often get caught in a cycle of doing the same thing expecting a different result,” said Jansma. “This is because at some level we’re probably hoping, ‘Maybe this time will be different.’ But at some point, it’s more effective to completely accept things for what they are, or people for who they are, and start doing something different to get a different result.”
Find help at Kinwell
Dealing with a challenging reality can be uncomfortable and difficult, so it’s important to seek out the care you need. Kinwell is here to provide support, education, and new coping skills. These skills can help you constructively focus on charting a new path through your current context. Kinwell’s coping skills classes are open to any established Kinwell patient. For more information and to attend any class, call 833-411-5469 or visit this web page.
